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Welcome to Baseball Tonight

The popular thing these days is picking against the Phillies not only for the National League, but for the NL East. Apparently the Phillies have the oldest average age of any team in the MLB. Is that why talking heads are picking against the Phillies? Nope. They are picking against the Phillies for made up reasons that they think will make them look brilliant. So the following is a transcript of what I hear when I watch Baseball Tonight on ESPN.

Karl Ravech: Hello and welcome to Baseball Tonight. I’m here with Bobby Valentine, John Kruk, Buster Olney, and Eduardo Perez. Tonight we are talking NL East. The powerhouse Phillies and their epic rotation are set to get their 2011 season underway, but are they the favorites?

Bobby Valentine: Absolutely not Karl. I think they have far too many talented players to be successful this year and here’s why. First of all from what I’m hearing Roy Halladay has spent his offseason working out and getting prepared for the season. He won the NL Cy Young last year and has been ignoring the banquet circle, this won’t help his batting average in 2011.

Karl Ravech: Can’t argue that Bobby.

Eduardo Perez: *marbles in mouth* Well I believe the main concern for them has to be their defense, Bobby. This team makes far too few errors and just really isn’t pressuring this pitching staff to perform. Any pitcher can do well with a good defense behind them, this team needs to mix things up and really challenge their pitchers.

John Kruk: *farts*

Karl Ravech: HO! Fill thine horn with oil and let…

Buster Olney: First I’d like to start off by saying I have no credibility at all. Next, I’d like to say that the Braves will win the NL East. The reason being is…

Mike Missanelli: RYAN HOWARD IS THE PREEMINENT POWER HITTER IN ALL OF BASEBALL!

Buster Olney: …the Phillies had three extra home games last year. These three games were completely instrumental in their 4th straight NL East title. They can’t hope for another team to have a G47 summit thing and have to forfeit home games.

Bobby Valentine: What’s being overlooked here is the fact that the Phillies have no late inning offense that enables them to come back in games late when they are trailing.

Paul Boyé : Not like they had 42 comeback wins in 2010, 24 of which came when trailing at the start of the 7th or later. Nah.

Karl Ravech: Rationale and stats are not permitted here sir, SECURITY!

*security escorts Boyé out*

John Kruk: The bottom line is old people are old and because of this the Phillies will win 90 games and lose the NL East to the Braves by 2 games.

Bobby Cox: FUCK YUNEL ESCOBAR!

Karl Ravech: There you have it folks. We aren’t buying what the Phillies are selling. Which is baseball sex. Good night.

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  • pp123

    welcome back to life chris…crazy read but funny

  • Treez

    Classic stuff right there!

    Buster Olney can Fuck Off, and I blame Bobby Valentine for the destruction of japan recently!

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