Howdy, folks. You haven’t seen me around much lately (or any of us, for that matter). Let’s just forget the month of June happened. I’m sure the Phillies would like to.

July 1st is one of the more exciting days on the sports calendar. Both NHL and NBA free agency begin, and the hot stove usually kicks into high gear leading up to MLB’s trade deadline at the end of the month. And boy, did Jerry Crasnick crank up the heat this morning, breaking the news that the Phillies are interested in Dan Haren, and that Arizona scouts are checking out our prospects.

I’ll pause for a moment while you close your eyes and dream of a Halladay-Hamels-Haren playoff rotation.

Mmmmmm.

Still with me? Okay. I hope you’re sitting down, because I have some bad news:

It ain’t gonna happen. And if it does, it will probably have an adverse effect on the long-term future of our beloved baseball team.

Dan Haren is awesome at baseball. Over the last three calendar years, he leads the majors with a boner-inducing K/BB of 5.1 (Halladay is second, at 4.96). His 3.38 FIP over that span is seventh in all of baseball, and his 3.26 xFIP is third. Haren is one of just five pitchers to post a 6+ WAR in each of the past two seasons. The others: Halladay, CC Sabathia, Tim Lincecum…and yes, Cliff Lee. He’s signed for two more years at $12.75 million per, with a 2013 team option at $15.5 million. All this conspires to make him really, really fucking valuable in a trade.

How valuable? Well, the Phillies have some guy currently tearing up the minors who they refused to deal on two separate occasions for Halladay: Domonic Brown. You might have heard of him, considering he’s regarded as one of the best prospects in baseball, and by far the best in our mediocre farm system. He and pitcher Jarred Cosart (currently bitch-slapping the Florida State League) would likely be the starting point of any deal.

Yeah. The starting point. Think about that for a second. Then think about how we might have to throw in Jonathan Singleton, too. Then think about how Haren’s salary drives yet another giant nail into the coffin of Jayson Werth’s career in red pinstripes. Then think about how with Brown in Arizona and Werth elsewhere (probably with the goddamned Yankees), our outfield would consist of Shane Victorino, Ben Francisco and a 752-year-old Raul Ibanez. Then think about how in that scenario, we would have precisely one regular under 30 (Benny Fresh), and $150 million committed to just 16 players.

Arizona’s GM is Josh Byrnes. Not Ed Wade, not Dayton Moore, not Omar Minaya, not Brian Sabean. Byrnes is not an idiot. He knows how much value Haren has, as an ace in the prime of his career, locked up for three more years at a bargain rate. And Haren isn’t demanding a trade. Byrnes doesn’t have to deal him. Last year, Cleveland GM Mark Shapiro had to deal Cliff Lee. Ruben Amaro took advantage of that. He has no such leverage this time around, and he’s done nothing to inspire any confidence in his abilities since that heavenly deal took place.

As I said earlier, a rotation fronted by Halladay, Hamels and Haren is bonerific. It would be amazing to watch in the playoffs. It could have one of two awesome nicknames that took me like three seconds to think of: Triple H, or Ha-Ha-Ha (as in “Ha ha ha, you’re never scoring a run ever again.”) It would be in place through 2012.

Memo. From: Phillies. To: Rest of MLB.

This is where Amaro’s failings as a GM are really brought to bear. I’ve taken flack from some fans in the past for being critical of his performance, and outright calling for his head after the horrific Howard extension earlier this spring. “We just won a World Series and two pennants in the last two years! We’ve won three straight division titles! Why are you complaining?” Maybe because instead of making the moves to ensure that we would become the new Braves and dominate the East for a decade, he’s done everything he can to turn us into the Cubs. If he hadn’t given a third year and no-trade protection to Ibanez, or he hadn’t given Howard one of the worst contracts in baseball, or he had actually gotten value for Lee, acquiring Haren might have been a real possibility.

I suppose it still is, but if it does happen, we’d better fucking win at least one more ring, because the future will not be pretty. You can only mortgage the farm so many times before it catches up with you. That was the whole point of the Lee trade; Amaro simply didn’t get the return he should have. As they age, Chase Utley and Jimmy Rollins and Placido Polanco and Carlos Ruiz will only grow more susceptible to injury or decline, and we’ll be stuck trotting Quad-A guys like Wilson Valdez out there for weeks at a time. If things continue in the direction they’re going, we’ll be old and overpaid before we know what hit us. Two years ago, the Cubs were the best team in baseball. Look where they are now. Do you want that to be us in two or three years?

Think about that before you decide adding Haren is a no-brainer, great idea.

God, that’s depressing. I’m sorry. Here’s another picture of lesbians.

I feel slightly better now.