Author Archive

If you’ve spent any time reading anything on Bleacher Report, you know that it is probably the worst sports website in the history of the Internet. As such, making fun of the excrement it unleashes is like shooting fish in a barrel, except easier because the people who write for them would probably lose a battle of wits to a fish. But I read these two shitstains articles (in my defense, I was excruciatingly bored at work and the topics sounded at least somewhat more interesting than staring at the wood grain on my desk for an hour, or doing actual work) and I feel obligated to mock them because that is my instinctual response when my intelligence is insulted.

In the interest of time, I will suppress my inner English major and not ridicule the grammar, syntax, or vocabulary present in these pieces. (Because there aren’t any of those things! Zing!)

…Sorry. Anyway, follow the jump.

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It’s January. It sucks. It’s cold, spring training isn’t here yet, and hardly anything is happening in the baseball world.

The Lakewood BlueClaws saw fit to throw us a bone.

I’ll just leave this here.

H/T to the BlueClaws and @tonyisdynamic.

Friends, the true measure of a man is taken when he admits that he is wrong.

I stand before you today, humble, and I do that very thing.

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Above: Phillies' fanbase.

Word ’round the campfire is that the Phillies are still in on Lee and looking for a new home for Joe Blanton.

Ken Rosenthal confirmed less than an hour ago that the Phillies are the infamous “mystery team” we’ve been told is skulking about in the shadows behind the Rangers’ and Yankees’ high-profile courting of the free agent lefty. Jon Heyman reported that the team was shopping Blanton not long after. And yes, I checked to make sure both tweets came from the legitimate accounts of the reporters in question, because unlike Michael Kay, I am capable of fact checking.

I expect this to result in a crippling case of blue balls for the fans, but the fact that this is even being reported would suggest that there’s legs to it. I don’t know how to feel about it. Obviously, a rotation of Doc-Lee-Oswalt-Hamels is just retarded, but it’s also expensive, aging and we don’t know what it would mean for the rest of the roster – not just in 2011, but in the future. There are simply way too many variables and not enough concrete information to even begin speculating on this.

Begging your pardon, but: What the fuck is going on?

Being a former journalism student, blogger, and amateur sociologist, I’ve always been particularly interested in the relationship between media and technology. As the Internet has become the dominant force and source in our lives for essentially everything, we’ve borne witness to a fascinating tension – you could call it a high-wire act, or perhaps a power struggle. Newspapers teeter on the brink, and every paper from tiny county fish-wrappers to The New York Times has been forced to embrace the bringer of their destruction in order to remain relevant. At the same time, blogs run by nonprofessionals have become rampant, and while the overwhelming majority gain little to no widespread recognition or attention, those that do are often ascribed the same status as news and entertainment sources. This has ushered in innumerable questions about the institution of journalism and its future, specifically regarding ethics and integrity.

Twitter, in and of itself, encompasses many of these questions. As its influence has grown, more and more members of the mainstream media have embraced the site and used it as another way to beat others to the punch with rumors, breaking news, and rapid reactions. It is a different beast, and rules for dealing with social media are less universal and well-established than those for traditional media. Last night’s Twitter controversy was merely the latest in a series of similar clashes between traditional media and technology. Read the rest of this entry »

Happy trails, man. Happy trails.

Seven years, $126 million. Wow.

The Phillies will receive the Nationals’ second-round draft choice and a sandwich pick. They will not receive the first-rounder, since it is protected.

It’s something we all knew was coming, no matter how much some of us might have tried to deny it.

I can’t possibly be mad at Werth for leaving. He gave us four awesome seasons. Then he got an insanely lucrative offer, and this was his one and only shot at a huge payday.

I think the Phillies are going to sorely miss his production next year, but even if not, I’m going to miss having my favorite player on my favorite team.

At least now I can, and will, buy a Werth jersey without breaking the bank. So I got that goin’ for me. Which is nice.

So, Jayson, thanks for the memories. Hitting three homers against the Blue Jays. Stealing all three bases on Russell Martin. All the big postseason hits that helped us win a World Series and two NL pennants. That glorious beard. I hope you’ll get a warm reception each of the many times you’ll return to Philadelphia as an opponent over the rest of the decade…but I sincerely doubt it.

Enjoy your money. And fourth place.

Sincerely,

Still Your Biggest Fan

Things have been quiet around here lately. Part of that was depression at the way the season ended, but mostly it was the usual combination of apathy and busy schedules. I’ll admit I also enjoyed seeing “EAT A DICK CODY ROSS” headline the page for a month and a half.

Fear not: This blog yet lives, and plans are in motion to make it bigger and better than ever. Thankfully, since we’re all fuck-ups, that won’t take much effort at all. I’ve taken the liberty of spearheading this little revival, and I have a lot of ideas that will probably fail in spectacular fashion, if they happen. As to that, to quote Bart Simpson, we can’t promise we’ll try…but we’ll try to try.

All levity aside, we’re actually pretty excited about some stuff we have planned. You’ll see some new faces contributing to Long Drive beginning this month, and the hope is there will be more added as time goes on.

Fuck the Giants.

Kisses,

TR

Seriously, who over the age of eight uses "Cody" as a name?

Better team/good guys win, despite another home run from this overachieving cuntwheeze.

I hope Doc strikes him out in Game 5 to end the series. Fuckface.

Oswalt was a G, Jimmy finally remembered this is the postseason, and Polly did work. Jonathan Sanchez did his best LOLiver Perez impression before settling in, but the almighty Giants bullpen shat themselves for the second time in 10 days.

We got this.

From a Jim Salisbury puff piece on CSNPhilly.com:

Larry Bowa spent the last three seasons coaching third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers, which means he saw the San Francisco Giants up close in 54 games.

Hubert P. Gackenwigler spent the last 37 years watching every Giants game on TV with his eyes pressed right up against the screen, which means he saw them close up in approximately 14 million games.

Ever the baseball junkie, Bowa also pays close attention to the Phillies, the team for which he starred at shortstop from 1970 to 1981 and managed from 2001 to 2004.

Ever the baseball junkie, Gackenwigler also pays close attention to the Phillies, and every other team in the major leagues, because he has absolutely no life and no chance of getting laid with a name like Hubert P. Gackenwigler.

So Bowa is certainly qualified to offer a scouting report on the National League Championship Series, which begins Saturday night with the Phils hosting the Giants in Game 1 at Citizens Bank Park.

So he is certainly qualified to…you get the idea.

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For the third straight year, the Phillies are playing for the National League pennant. Should they succeed in capturing it, they would become the first team to win three consecutive NL championships since the 1942-44 St. Louis Cardinals. Standing in their way are (unfortunately) not the Los Angeles Dodgers, but another California team, the San Francisco Giants.

The Phillies made short work of the Cincinnati Reds in an opening round sweep, though they were not exactly what one would call dominant, with the obvious exceptions of Roy Halladay and Cole Hamels. The offense scored just 13 runs, and got a big hand from the Reds’ atrocious defense (seven errors in three games, including four in Game 2). If Jay Bruce hadn’t misplayed that fly ball in the 7th inning of Game 2, it might have been a very different series. But that happened. If nothing else, that should have been yet more proof positive that the playoffs are a crapshoot. Cincinnati’s defense was a strength all season long, and Bruce was their best fielder according to UZR. It only takes one mistake in such a short series to radically alter the course of events, and the Reds made a few more for good measure. Joey Votto and Scott Rolen combined for two hits and 10 strikeouts in 21 at-bats. Weird things happen, and that’s why winning in the playoffs is almost as much about avoiding bad bounces as it is skill.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty of the NLCS, a tip of the cap to the Reds and their fans. The parallels between them and the Phillies of a few seasons ago continue to amaze me. In 2007, we returned to the playoffs after a 14-year absence, only to be sent home winless by the Rockies. Cincinnati waited 15 years for the same fate, and even worse, got no-hit in their first game. You got some bad breaks, your guys didn’t execute when they needed to, you ran into a more talented team on a hot streak. It happens. Don’t get discouraged. You’ll be back.

I’m taking a slightly different approach to analysis here. Rather than a blow-by-blow account of each facet of the game, what follows are essentially the matchups, factors, and numbers I feel will prove most crucial in the series.

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