I decided to have a round table of sorts with some other fun people who enjoy going about their daily business with their pants off. I’ve compiled a series of questions that will break this team down and by the time you are done reading you’ll have a good idea of what team we’ve got. We’ve assembled around the table that Cliff Lee left all that money on this winter and we’re ready to party. The participants are:
Coal Hammels enthusiast @FanSince09
Ryan @petzrawr aka @Sl_JonHeyman (RIP)
and resident douche, Danny Cohen @dmc0603
Here we go.
1. Are the Phillies too right handed?
FanSince09: If by right handed you man old then yes.
Justin: If you’re asking whether or not I think the Phillies should pick one prospect and force him to permanently switch dominant hands through a combination of experimental medications, periodically abandoning him blindfolded in the woods, and sending him realistically photo shopped pictures of his wife cheating on him, then no, absolutely not. That’s just awful. You’re an awful person.
Ryan: Trick question. Nobody on the Phillies has two right hands.
Cranekicker: Charlie Manuel sticks both hands down his pants. That should answer your question.
Jeff: Yes. They are too right handed. In fact, they have been too right handed for years. When Chase Utley came to the big leagues, they told him they needed a left handed bat (notice he throws righty?). Utley figured how hard could this lefty thing be, I mean John Olerud did it and he’s a baby back birch. The rest they say, is history.
2. Does Danys Baez really suck, or is he just the worst pitcher ever?
Steve: Baez is merely the world’s greatest actor doing long term research for a dramatic role as the world’s most likable shitty pitcher.
FanSince09: It’s just another example of the Phillies being cheap and disloyal and it coming back to bite them! Should of kept Scott Air, Chan Ho and tried Brett Myers out as their closer!
Danny: I don’t know what it is about moles, but Danys Baez, Carlos Beltran and Enrique Iglesias all have one, and they all suck ass.
Max: c.) ELANE SENFELD. Elane was once conned by two guys, who had sex with her then left her, so to get back at them, she hired “Danys Baez” (aka, Danny Matthews, aka Daniel Matthew Cohen – Yep, Baez is Cohen. It all makes sense now, really. Cohen sucks at betting, and Baez sucks at pitching.) to get a job as a shitty Phillies relief pitcher. Baez would piss off many Phillies fans, but one of the guys in particular would lose a bet and have to wear a Baez jersey to a Phillies-Mets game and get mocked about it and eventually kicked out of Citizens Bank Park. Except, instead of the robbers, a guy named Chris Jones (“@LONG_DRIVE“) fell for her plan. Meanwhile, the two guys mock her relentlessly about “having guddass sex with Elane fucklen Senfeld” on their blog.
3. Do you think deaf people have fun at Phillies games?
FanSince09: I dunno but I think I would love being blind at Philadelphia sporting events, and I’d have someone go with me who would lie to make me feel better. So if I went to an Iggles game in 2008 or so he could be like “No, McNabb isn’t throwing a million balls in the dirt and throwing up all over everything, we’re winning and he’s a great QB” or “Bob actually just made a save in a shootout and Richards demonstrated an ounce of leadership” at a Flyers game or “Hammels is throwing a no hitter.” It’d be great. Actually it’s probably terrible for deaf people because they have to watch Hammels lose without being able to hear the legendary longtime voice of the Phillies, Chris Wheeler, or call Ange or Mikey Miss or The Cuz to complain about the games.
Cranekicker: Yes. Especially the ones who sit behind home plate and wave to people at home in sign language.
Danny: I have no idea, but I do know that when deaf people cheer, everybody else around them has fun. [Editor’s Note: That is just fucking rude Danny, let’s try to keep it classy.]
Steve: Yes because they don’t have to hear the opinions of half the idiots that show up. Also, they have little to no idea what WIP is and that sounds pretty nice to me.
4. Is Greg Dobbs hot?
Justin: True story: My girlfriend thinks Greg Dobbs is hot. But she also has a signed picture of Jason Kapono on her desk at work, next to three pictures of me, so I think she just takes pity on people whose lives are generally considered a waste of time.
Cranekicker: Ask Danny Cohen.
FanSince09: Lemme tweet a gay and find out, hang on: @dmc0603 do u think Dobbs is hot?
Jeff: Judging by the batting stance, I’ve become fully considered “Greg Dobbs” is actually Cole Hamels when he’s bored and feels like pinch hitting. And since my esteemed colleague @FanSince09 has confirmed Hammels is a girl. I feel comfortable saying that this so called “Greg Dobbs” character is attractive.
5. How many more times will Raul Ibanez stick his bat in his crotch between pitches before he goes sterile? Is he already sterile? How do you know?
Steve: Raul told my ex girlfriend’s best gay friend’s dog that his bat made him sterile years ago. I trust that source. [Editor’s Note: /CrossingBroad’d]
Max: Raul Ibanez already is sterile, because some blogger in his parents’ basement accused him of taking steroids. Sticking his bat between his crotch is his attempt to regain his sterility. I know this because I once got a spam e-mail telling me how to increase my penis size by 8 inches. It told me to stick a bat in my crotch every time I play baseball. A spam e-mail has never lied to me before or since.
Jeff: Again Chris, this is a ridiculous question. If you want to make it in the blogging game (and by this I mean get lots of page views) you need to ask the hard hitting questions. I heard from a guy, that knows a guy that works at Raul’s favorite sub shop. Apparently Raul didn’t feel it was necessary to attend the closing of his house. I can’t support a jerk like that. [Editor’s Note: /CrossingBroad’d]
FanSince09: He’s already sterile from taking all those PEDs!
6. How lastly will the Mets finish in last?
Cranekicker: If the Phillies are the sun, the Mets are Pluto. RIP Pluto.
Danny: You think it’s any coincidence that every Mets player wants to be on the Phillies? Valdez, Schneider, Castillo. Nobody likes to lose every day in front of fans who pay more for tickets than Phillies fans. The Mets will be tied with the Nationals on the last day of the season. Johan Santana will give up 10 runs in 2 innings to the Reds, and the Nationals will win to put the Mets in last place.
FanSince09: They’ll win all their games against Hammels and lose to everyone else.
Justin: Finally, a baseball question. Oh, wait, a time traveler just materialized in my kitchen. What say you, stranger?
“I come from 20 years in the future. Who are these “Mets” you speak of? Be they the baseball creatures that dissolved thanks to incompetence and shame in 2011? We have heard legends of their existence but assumed their tale of woesome embarrassment was merely a biblical exaggeration. Now! Let us head to the nearest whiskey den, where we shall commemorate their destruction by watching a baseball game between the Houston Phillies, Jr. and the Google Presents the New York Googlers.”
Wow why did that guy talk like he’s from Medieval times. That made no sense. Oh well. He just threw up and died of exhaustion on the floor anyway.
[Editor’s Note: LOLMets. Oh and Jeff, you need to charge your phone babby]
7. Does Chase Utley have AIDS? Can Roy Halladay cure it?
FanSince09: You know who can cure Utley? My High School gym teacher! He told me that all you need to do is walk it off and man up, and you can overcome the most serious of all injuries. One time this kid broke his leg and the bone came through the skin and he still had to run the mile. They should hire him to come slap the purse out of Utley’s hand and get him on the field!
Cranekicker: You ever see that movie Philadelphia? Good movie. Denzel Washington really showed his range. And who knew Dr. J was such a good actor? Speaking of Dr. J, what’s the deal with Magic Johnson? He’s doing Dove commercials now. Weird.
Steve: Chase Utley does not have AIDS, he clearly has Bubonic Plague. Only Tomas Perez can save him.
8. Will the Phillies win the NL East or do you think age has caught up with them and in an upset the Phillies will surprise everyone and win the NL East?
Ryan: I think the Phillies are my dark horse candidate to win the division. They’re also my white horse candidate to not lose the division. They’re my Cinderella team for the NL pennant, and my Mulan team to win the World Series.
Justin: The “Phillies”? Aren’t they that team that was great once, then collectively became so outrageously enfeebled by the time they were all 30 that there was never, not once, a time during the 2011 season when at least one of them wasn’t unintentionally pooping in their pants?
Max: The Phillies are old. Old people aren’t good at things. I would know, I have grandparents. They forget stuff easily. They injure themselves whenever they move. They eat dinner at like noon. They need like 16 hours of sleep and hourly naps or else they get all cranky. But it’s not hard to figure out how Roy Halladay will fix this problem. All he has to do whenever a player gets too old to be good is make another clone of himself and teach the clone how to play the position. He taught those other 5 clones their positions in like ten minutes, and he even taught the Lidge replacement clone how to have a closer’s mentality. But what will happen when the clones themselves get old, you ask? Quit being dumb. Clones can’t age, obviously.
Danny: The Phillies will win the same amount of games as girls I talk to on Twitter at least five times a week. [Editor’s Note: If only we’d win the same amount of games as the amount of girls who ignore you. Look out 2001 Seattle Mariners record]
9. How concerned are you that the Phillies only won 97 games last year? Especially after only replacing Kyle Kendrick in the rotation with Cliff Lee to address this problem in the offseason?
FanSince09: Well first of all, you’re welcome. As you all know, if I hadn’t posted on a now defunct area blog of note with “Should of kept Cliff Lee!” every time the Phillies lost, the Front Office may not have signed him again. But because I pointed out the error of their ways, they realized they had to make it up to me and bring him back. Unfortunately, the damage is done because Hammel was so bad in 2010 that they had to trade the best young pitcher in baseball, JA Happ. If they kept Cliff Lee they could of had Halladay, Lee, Happ, Oswalt, Blanton right now and could of traded Hammels for Oswalt last year. Lee right now is MAYBE a slight upgrade over Happ, but I think they win 88 games this year due to being old. Very concerned.
Jeff: Let me explain something to you sabr-nerds. There’s something called swagger in this game, and Kyle Kendrick has it. My friend Skip Bayless taught me this lesson and you should learn it to. Sure a pitcher wants to prevent runs, that’s like 8% of his job. The other 92% is to “will” his team to score runs for him and get him lots of win shares. Kyle Kendrick is a master of the 92%, Cliff Lee at that 8% thing. Now I ask you, whats better, 92 or 8?
Cranekicker: Risky move breaking up that chemistry and lifting Kendrick in place of Lee. We’ve all seen what Lee can do in the past, but TWO straight seasons of baseball into late October? That takes it’s toll. I’m calling dead arm. Should of kept Kendrick in the rotation.
Danny: I’m not so sure this is an upgrade. Kendrick is younger, cheaper and has a hotter wife. Also, apparently two countries want him to play since he almost got traded to Japan. Cliff Lee gets recruited by only one country, so how good could he really be?
Ryan: Kyle Kendrick’s wife has a pretty awesome restaurant in Philly called Gigi. They have a TV there that displays tweets that pertain to the Phillies. One time we got drunk there and bombed it with all kinds of fucked up tweets. Nobody in the restaurant understood why this fat guy and his red-headed girlfriend (I’m talking about my girlfriend and I, not Peter and Lois Griffin or the Mets fan and the Scientologist from King of Queens) were cackling at the TV screen.
What was the question again? Something about Survivor? Yeah, I watched it but I think it went downhill after they had Boston Rob on there for a second fucking time.
10. Cole Hamels had a break out year in 2010, putting years of mediocrity behind him. What can we expect from him this year? Hair highlights? Dogs in backpacks? Cy Young?
Ryan: Speaking of Survivor, Heidi Hamels is pretty hot. Cole Hamels will win 18 games and everybody will still shit all over him on talk radio. He will, however, lead the team in “Things Broken by Baseballs in Comcast Commercials”
Steve: I expect Cole Hamels to throw a perfect game after showing up to the pregame in drag. That is all.
Justin: I’ll take the leap and go with “movie career.” I envision him trying to steal a neighborhood petting zoo as the villain in a children’s movie. Cole is widely panned for the performance and Charlie Manuel is never able to look him in the eye for the rest of his career. His advertising contract with Comcast gets “accidentally destroyed,” which is information that is told to him by the quivering voice of a nervous intern. Then he pitches a perfect game amidst a completely silent stadium, throws his glove into the crowd and screams “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!” He walks off the field with his arms in the air and goes home to a fiery forty-hour fuck-a-thon with his wife.
Cranekicker: Hamels and his wife Heidi will open up a chain of pet grooming boutiques called “The Pitcher’s Hound”. The business will be a huge success and Cole will retire in June to focus on his true passion. He will be replaced with Kyle Kendrick. Kendrick will then open up a Jean Country with his wife Stephenie and retire in July. He will be replaced by Vance Worley who will go undefeated and win Rookie Of The Year. In the offseason he will open up an Express Opticals and retire.
Max: I am insulted that you would accuse Cole Hamels of having a break out season. That would infer that he had a good season. He lost 11 games and he only won 12. I asked fellow Phillies blogger (and babby-back birch for snubbing us in his “We’re smarter than you” roundtable) Bill Baer if anyone has ever had a good season with a 12-11 record. He said, “No. Wins and losses are the most important things for pitchers.” Maybe you could say he had a “come out” year last year, because he finally admitted to being gay, or an “acne break out” year, and thats why he didn’t pitch good.
This season I expect more of the same mediocrity that he failed to put behind him. He will finish with a 9-10 record, once again failing to get 10 wins and losing 10 games for the fourth season in a row. His VORG (Value Over Replacement Gay) will be -34.6 and Amaro will trade him for a package of Clay Aiken, Ricky Martin, and John Amaechi. The Mets will then sign him to a 26-year, $392 billion contract, because they like grossly overpaying gay people who suck at sports, and they don’t learn from mistakes.
FanSince09: He’s the worst pitcher in baseball. His breakout season was only 12 wins. I expect him to lose all 33 starts and constantly throw his teammates under the bus. And he has a gay voice.
Well we have to cut it short there unfortunately because naturally Danny has run off with the money Cliff Lee left on the table here. He’ll probably spend the money on underage Russian brides.
For a table that is a little more round and a lot more informative check out Crashburn Alley!